New Mantra to bring breaking Relationship back to normal (no therapy needed)

Why breaking relationship happen?

 

Working towards a healthy love relationship is one of the most rewarding and challenging things you’ll ever do. Conflict and stress are part of most marriages and love relationships – but being aware of the common reasons couples break up can help them work towards a healthy love relationship.

Many reasons couples break up and relationships fail describe the most common problems couples face.

1. Failing to keep promises, lying, or cheating.

2. Imbalance of power.

3. Acceptance of stereotypes.

4. Isolation.

5. Lack of self-knowledge.

6. Low self-esteem, insecurity, and lack of self-confidence.

7. Excessive jealousy

8. Ineffective communication

9. Control issues.

10. Abuse.

New Mantra to bring breaking relationship back to normal (no therapy needed)

When a relationship is on the rocks, therapists usually try to patch up the emotional stuff and expect the sex will follow. But psychotherapist Esther Perel found it didn’t work. She could help couples become more caring and companionable. It was making things better in the kitchen, but still doing nothing for the bedroom. So Perel flipped it around. Improve the sex and the relationship will follow says the author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic.

Cosy relationships thrive on security, consistency and responsibility. Ironically, these stifle desire. The first sphere is what you should want. The other sphere is what you do want. We need both, but they are not the same need.

For couples, the problem is in balancing two fundamental sets of human needs — the need for stability and security, on one hand, and the need for adventure on the other. Dealing with problems of desire often means dealing with aspects of self-worth and autonomy.

Erotic relationships combust where there is the unexpected, a sense of adventure, of breaking boundaries. Sex is not a metaphor for the relationship, but a parallel narrative that speaks its own language. Lack of desire is the biggest complaint that marriage therapists hear now. The generation that had contraception and the permission to do whatever they wanted to do doesn’t want to do it. And they don’t know why.

For some, having a cosy relationship is like being married to a brother or sister. It’s intimate, but not erotic. Many couples who love each other very much, But they have no sex.

Perel, the mother of two teenaged boys, notes, for example, that the arrival of a baby often signals the end of imaginative sex. It’s not because the new parents are tired and anxious, she argues. They were also tired and anxious at the beginning of the relationship, but here was still passion in it. After a baby, all of the sense of playfulness and fun has been transferred to the child. The creation of the ideal family stands in the way of eroticism. When a couple becomes too familial, it seems too much like family.

When do you feel most drawn to your partner? The answers, which offer a peak into what people find erotic about their partner, fit into one of five categories:

1. When he or she has been away and we reunite. There is something about not having that intensifies wanting

2. When I see my partner doing something they’re good at or passionate about. “The biggest turn-on is the self-confident other. It has nothing to do with clothing or breast size. The biggest turnoff is a self-critical woman. We find our partners the most sexy when they are happiest with themselves. In this space lies the erotic. There is no care-taking. Nobody is needy. Desire doesn’t respond to neediness.

3. When we laugh, or when he or she surprises me. The element of fun and surprise is very erotic.

4. When I see him playing with the kids. This one is the only gender-specific response — only women say this. It’s because taking on a playful, childlike role is not something women expect of men, she says. Again, there is an element of surprise in it.

5. When we are on vacation and feeling carefree and not bound to our responsibilities. You can’t have pleasure and anxiety at the same time — unless it’s a small amount of anxiety at being caught.

Sex is not something you do. It is a space you enter. It requires a certain amount of self-absorption. It is selfishness in a good sense.

People have to learn that the ability to experience pleasure is something that is good, not just something that is to be tolerated maintains. It’s why Fifty Shades of Grey, the novel about an innocent young woman’s initiation into the world of the sexual submissive, has become a runaway bestseller.

Desire doesn’t always come with the most sweet, selfless feelings. Many women are drawn to being intensely desired. It has nothing to do with actual power. The ultimate expression of power is voluntary surrender.

The other part of the problem is the modern world, which demands that couples be self-sufficient. The husband or wife must not only fulfil all the traditional spousal roles, but must be a passionate lover as well.

We are asking for one person to provide for us what a whole village used to provide,, who also argues that the North American belief that a romantic partner should also be a best friend has no counterpart anywhere else in the world. It isolates people, and forces one person to take on too many roles.

We need multiple attachments.

Perel, who is working on a book about infidelity tentatively called The State of Affairs, says lack of desire is central to marriage breakdown. But people aren’t unfaithful to be cruel or reject their partner. People cheat because they want to find another self.

They don’t want to leave their partner. They want to flee what they have become. They want to flee their own sense of deadness. Many of her clients aren’t surprised by what Perel says. “I don’t know if I say anything completely new. But put this way, people understand some of the many erotic blocks.

(Source- Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic)